I have to be honest with myself, I know that this trip is going to be physically demanding and mentally/emotionally draining. With everything ahead of me, I am so grateful, but of course I have my doubts.
I leave for the Contiki portion of my trip in about 2 hours and then only 28 days until I step foot into my orphanage. I was there for the first 4 months of my life and then less than 4 hours when I was 9 years old, but for some reason I feel like I know that place.
I feel like I am going back to something familiar. I can stitch together vague memories of what the place was like. Yet, I still have my anxieties and doubts. People are usually excited for me when I tell them I'm going on this amazing South Asia trip, but of course they have to voice their own opinions to me. To relieve my anxiety, I like to do research, but for this... there is not much that you can do to prepare yourself for something with multiple different outcomes.
So What If...
Someone pretends that they are my biological family just so they can get some money?
My mother has passed away?
My mother doesn't want to meet me or my brother wants nothing to do with me?
My return turns my biological family's life upside down?
I'm led on a wild hunt through the jungles of Vietnam to end up with nothing?
I break down at the site of seeing family that actually looks like me?
They don't want to share anything with me and only want to hear about my life? or vice versa and they don't want to know about me...
I cannot give back to them or thank them enough for the life they allowed me to have? How do I express my gratitude to them?
There is a never-ending list of questions that I have and that others have for me. But I have no answers right now.
There is a lot that can happen and we just have to wait and see. What I know, from the bottom of my heart, regardless of the information we receive, I want to do my absolute best to reconnect with my biological mother. Even if that means me spending time with her where she was laid to rest.
I can't believe I'm sitting here at JFK about to fly off to Moscow and then onto Bangkok. To my readers, thank you for the love and support. The writing might get scarce now, but I will be flooding you with all my travel photos.
Remind me when I’m one of those people who “want to voice their opinion” that it is TOTALLY unnecessary. You got it all, babe. What a generous and risk taking sharing of your heart with us.
God Speed Abby🙏. I know that your way has been prepared and you will see and experience exactly what was meant to be. It sounds like you have a big open ❤️! Much love, Aunt Marian
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